Husband Hunting with the Princeton Mom

Oh em gee, Susan Patton aka the Princeton Mom has released a new book – Marry Smart. Patton was the author of that disgraceful open letter to ‘the daughters she never had’ in The Daily Princetonian. She desperately urges the woman of Princeton University to find a husband on campus before they graduate and have to slum it with the rest of us schleps.

Here are some of my favourite ‘life and love according to Susie’ tidbits:

Don’t be a slut, potential husbands don’t like it.

“Potential buyers are unmotivated if offered free merchandise, i.e., it’s the lonely cow that gives away free milk.” – Princeton Mom

I’m pretty sure that this clever little milk analogy translates to ‘keep your vagina in your pants’.  According to Patton, hook-up culture is ruining our chances of finding a permanent man-friend and we need to keep our genitals closely guarded.

Don’t be a drunken floozy

“Honestly, do you think that you’re at your most attractive when you are drunk, slurring your words and on the verge of puking?” – Princeton Mom

Totally, I like to squint my eyes, wipe the vomit from my chin and then flick my hair, it my signature pick-up move – tres hot.

Don’t ignore your biology clock

“You are not getting any younger, But the women you are competing with to get the men you’re interested in marrying are most certainly getting younger.” – Princeton Mom

Is Princeton Mom giving us the green light to baby trap potential suitors? I think yes. Never mind the child or the implications your actions will have on them. You just don’t want to end up 35 and childless whilst having to complete with these fertile 22 year olds with their fresh ovaries and higher reproductive rates.

Don’t be a fag hag

“Your gay boyfriends are wonderful, but they are not marriage material” – Princeton Mom

Um thanks for that, with my university education I just wouldn’t have guessed that a gay man isn’t attracted to me.

Don’t wear black 

“If you are in serious husband-hunting mode, don’t leave your apartment unless you look so good that you’d be delighted to run into your ex-boyfriend.” – Princeton Mom 

Patton discourages woman from wearing black, dressing like a man (?) or leaving the house sans make-up.

Susie you’re killing me here. What about on laundry day when I’ve run out of clean undies and have to wear swimmers to work – is it ok to wear black then?

What if I’m going to the gym and would prefer not to get foundation in my mouth? That stuff is toxic when ingested. Can I go make-up free then?

Don’t be a fattie

“Girl, lose the weight! I know it’s hard… just do it.” – Princeton Mom

Fu*k off  Susan.