My Relationship Rules: The Polyamorist

I cannot emphasise enough that there is no one particular version of polyamory. Everyone (literally) does it differently. Some swingers call themselves polyamorists and other polyamorists are offended by this because they see their lifestyle as less about recreational sex and more about the potential social, political, spiritual connections and implications that are possible in a polyamorous lifestyle. 

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Princess Culture

The common narrative in most fairy tales goes like this – directionless, doe-eyed but oppressed girl meets prince. They fall in love but have to battle evil, meddling forces. Love triumphs and the girl is transformed into a beautiful princess who gets to live happily ever after and boss around everyone else. So whilst it’s cute to see a 3-year-old girl play princess, it’s obnoxious in teens and just creepy in adult women.

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Special Love

Dating – according to Papa Mah – is a stealth game of bluff. It’s like being in battle, never show your opponent weakness (by opponent he means date). Never show vulnerability and don’t ever be afraid to loose. Once you’re scared of loosing your partner, you’ve already lost the game. Remain aloof at all times, keep your independence and for gods sake, never be financially dependent on another person.

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Successfully Single

Beyonce got it wrong. Single ladies aren’t up in some rank club waiting for some dude to put a ring on it, are you insane? I’m not keen on all that girl-power and sisterhood palava but I think that someone needs to wave the flag for all the Successfully Single babes out there (my bestie Em came up with that term and I’m totally stealing it!)

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Wives and Breeders

I’m not a marriage and babies type of gal. I’m more ‘meh’ rather than ‘zomg’ when it comes to either option. Both seem nice but I’m not entirely fussed either way and neither strike me as a valid measure of success or self-worth even though I realise that my views leave me in the minority.

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Thank You, Next

Dating is hard work, all that talking and having to pretend that you’re interested in someone else’s life story – major yawn. Hooking up is so much simpler. You can cut down your talking time by at least half by using your phone as a handy little sexnav device. With a simple swipe to the right you can organize anything from dinner, drinks and late night cuddles to threesomes and orgies with people within a 10 kilometre radius. Genius right?

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Crazy Love

One of my Bestie’s is dating like a trooper. She’s on fire and is totally bringing her A-game to the table. This babe is smart, ambitious and puts out like a fire hydrant (the home videos prove it) but she’s feeling the pressure to settle down, date for marriage (not sport) and would prefer to be in a great relationship but hasn’t met the right person yet.

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Husband Hunting with the Princeton Mom

Oh em gee, Susan Patton aka the Princeton Mom has released a new book – Marry Smart. Patton was the author of that disgraceful open letter to ‘the daughters she never had’ in The Daily Princetonian. She desperately urges the woman of Princeton University to find a husband on campus before they graduate and have to slum it with the rest of us schleps.

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Facebook Stalking Your Next Date

Every self-respecting female knows that creeping someone’s Facebook, Instragram and Twitter profiles are just part of your dating due diligence. Don’t even bother with Linkedin – that ‘so and so just viewed your profile’ feature makes it an obsolete fact finding tool anyway.

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One Night Romance

I’m a mad gossip. It drives my boyfriend mental. I’ll discuss everything with my babes. We’re just open and comfortable with each other and prefer to go beyond boring small talk and straight towards the sting of getting cum in your eye.

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The "Party Girls" Decline

Welcome to the boringification of moi. I like waking up fresh in the mornings (and not sleeping in till 2pm), I hate being hungover, drugs are a no and I’ve started taking naps on the weekend. The thought of falling out of some rank club at 5am and spending Sunday looking like a hot mess with vomit in my hair makes my liver hurt. I’ve turned into one of those super annoying chipper people who enjoys waking up early and going for walks.

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The Art of Hosting a Divorce Party

My Bestie was married – and then she was not – so I decided to host a Divorce Party for her; it simply is, what good friends should do. This isn’t a sad story. My friend married a great guy but like so many relationships and for so many different reasons – it just didn’t work out and there was no happily ever after.

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