The "Party Girls" Decline


Welcome to the boringification of moi. I like waking up fresh in the mornings (and not sleeping in till 2pm), I hate being hungover, drugs are a no and I’ve started taking naps on the weekend. The thought of falling out of some rank club at 5am and spending Sunday looking like a hot mess with vomit in my hair makes my liver hurt. I’ve turned into one of those super annoying chipper people who enjoys waking up early and going for walks.

I love seeing trash-bags on Sunday mornings, especially when I’m uber fresh and rocking out my gym gear. Fu*k self-love, that is what makes me feel good about my life choices – comparison. I get bonus points if there carrying a pair of broken heels and stuffing a kebab into their faces.

But in the fight against boring I decided to retire my old lady undies – I got dressed, looked hot and left the house. I put my dancing shoes on and grabbed a girlfriend with a mission to tear up a dance floor – one Redbull at a time.

I love big, dirty beats and dancing till the early morning but this crowd was young and for the first time I felt oldish. I won’t lie, it bothers me that people born in 1996 are now able to drink legally and fraternise in bars. So I got my judgy face on and put together a list of my main gripes:-

  • Fashion – 90’s throwback does my head in, Nana Tmah remembers grunge when it was first cool. Babes in docs and acid washed denim, I wore it first…when I was 10. It weirds me out that girls are dressing like Iggy Azalea – getting all fancy – and doing there best Clueless impersonation. I prefer the original Cher and Dion duo. Skirts so short I can see your vajajay, not hot. Plus its cold outside, aren’t you cold little lamb?

  • Boys have bad game – I’ve never seen so much useless game and poor peacocking. They twerk in your dance space (criminal), splash sweat all over the dance floor and then spit in your eye when they talk.

  • I’m unable to metabolise food and drink – I can’t spend 6-8 hours drinking without wanting to pass out or vomit. I’m tipsy after 2 wines and asleep by my third Pinot.

I’ve found a strange sense of peace and quiet in my imminent decline into adulthood. I’m embracing my morning walks and my liver is enjoying the early nights. I’ve got love for those born in the 80’s – but seriously – get the hell out of my dance space if you were born in 1996.