Happy Wife, Happy Life


I think I missed the ‘girl’ gene. At 30, my biological clock hasn’t exploded and my desire for babies is fleeting. I like the little-people and I understand that they’re really cute. But I dislike the thought of having another human shit and vomit on me.

I venomously dislike weddings, ceremony and taffeta. All three make me feel ill. I do believe in marriage and think there’s something beautiful – but quite possibly mad – about 2 people committing to a lifetime of together-ness. If I could do marriage (without the wedding part) I’d be positively chuffed.

I like wearing clothes but couldn’t give a shit about fashion. I’m happy if it’s clean, ironed and sort of matches. On a good day I might brush my hair.

Thankfully I keep a clean house and can cook a mean lamb shank. A testament to my mumma’s good parenting skills.

We live in a culture that pushes the idea that marriage, motherhood and femininity are all intertwined and therefore the obligatory outcome of being a grown-up. Before I met Ben, I never thought I would be a ‘happy wife.’ I was perpetually single and dated for sport and entertainment.

I was fine with my missing girl gene, but nobody else was.

You should date properly

I have no idea what date properly means. I assume it means “keep trying with a person you don’t like so you have some company for the rest of your days” – I’d rather eat glass.

Is their something fundamentally wrong with you?

God I hope not. It’s possible, but all signs point to I’m a normal, functioning adult with an above average IQ. Thanks for your concern though.

You should dress better or try something new with your hair

And you look like a slapper with too much bronzer and ugly shoes.

You’re going to miss the boat

Have you ever tried dating in Sydney? It’s dismal. A smart woman would let that ship sail. To be clear – my missing boat, lack of suitable partner and disinterest in procreation isn’t any of your business.

Happy wife / happy life – Yes, I’m quite aware that it’s just a silly truism that gets thrown around to make men behave and buy their wives useless gifts, but the sentiment annoys me. I might be missing the girl gene, my ovaries haven’t exploded and I still don’t want to brush my hair but I’d rather have happy life first before becoming a happy wife any day.