Friendships cause heartbreak too


Friendships (like all relationships) need to be reciprocal. I know we’re all doing the very best we can whilst trying to balance work, home, family, friends, health and self-care but you get what you give. 

Life happens and relationships need to shift over time to accommodate the natural ebb and flow of daily living but we all need to prioritise the people who show up for us, the people who matter and the people who we actively choose to have in our space. 

For me there was nothing more heartbreaking that the sudden loss of a friendship. I considered Hannah to be my soul sister, the person I shared, laughed and cried with. She knew my heart and I cherished having her in my life. 

She was a complicated beauty; highly intellectual, fun, strong but incredibly lonely. We met during the ‘party years’ - I was recently single after a  particularly painful breakup and our friendship and strong connection helped heal deep wounds and a loneliness that I didn’t know existed. 

We were both dating and swapping war stories. I always knew she always wanted a partner and family but in the interim settled for some really shitty boyfriends and loser men.

When she did eventually meet ’the one’ and fell in love I was beyond thrilled for her. She looked happy and content. He heart belonged to the most generous man and they lived a good life. I had seen her in pain and was excited for her happiness. 

I travelled from Sydney to LA for their wedding but unfortunately missed day 1 of a 3 day bonanza. It was my fault, I planned the travel time incorrectly and then got stuck in a myriad of road closures between LA and Palm Springs. 

I hear you naysayers - calm down - I didn’t miss the wedding. I missed the optional pre-wedding BBQ and tennis game. I knew she was hurt that I wasn’t there but I thought she understood the combination of bad timing and road closures. But hell hath no fury like an upset bride. 

She iced me after the wedding. She stopped replying to calls, emails and texts. I got the occasional response but she was hurt and our friendship (in her mind) was over. 

I tried to apologise, I tried to connect and I tried to heal the friendship but she just wouldn’t have it. She couldn’t move past the trivial and I was tired of trying. I lost one of my best friends but gained some good perspective and a few really valuable lessons - 

  • Let people go: In the end Hannah just didn't have room for me in her life anymore and that’s OK. Rather than hold on I needed to gently close the door on that friendship and let it go. I loved that girl and I cherish all the good times but people aren’t perfect and friendships (like all relationships) need to be reciprocal. 

  • Invest in the people who show up for you: You get what you give and I’d prefer to  surround myself with people who want me in their life and vice versa. These people are good investments, place your energy here. 

  • Give a little bit more: I’m not perfect, I hate phones and take forever to respond to text messages. I know this is just one of my many shortcomings but I do what I can to make up for it. I love catching up face-to-face so I organise lady dates with my faves. I’m good on email so I send “miss your face notes” to my besties and will put a date in the diary to catch up properly. It’s tricky when there’s a lot on but I love my mates and don’t take them for granted. 

People count. It’s only when you’ve been discarded do you really know the value of having and keeping high-quality people in your life. Keep having fun and invest in the good, the kind and the giving.