Lets talk about sex - with Juliet Allen
Meet Juliet Allen – Sexologist, Sex Coach, Educator and Writer. This straight-talking Gold Coast Mumma is teaching educational workshops across Australia, running online programs and working 1:1 with clients to help them feel sexually alive, empowered and free. We caught up during the week to talk good sex, libido and correcting the sexual shame that’s been projected onto the female uterus for the last millennia.
How did you become a sexologist?
In my early 20’s I studied my undergrad in psychology and then went on to become a birth doula and Yoga teacher. These two career choices we very rewarding and I identified my passion for working with and empowering women to have amazing experiences. I became a Mum to my beautiful daughter and this prompted my interest in empowering young people to have a voice. I wanted to further my career and studies and do something that I was reallllllly passionate about. I identified my true passion and intrigue for all-things-sex and decided to undertake my Masters in Sexology. Becoming a sexologist came very easily to me as I have always been very open and honest about sex, plus I absolutely love learning and reading and using my knowledge to empower others!
What values and key messages do you uphold?
My biggest message is that there are no ‘rights’ and ‘wrongs’ when it comes to sex and sexuality. Sex is still a taboo topic in our society and unfortunately this means many people don’t feel comfortable talking about it openly and honestly. This leads to myths forming in our culture around what sex ‘should’ be like, rather than encouraging people to experiment and embrace themselves as unique and individual sexual beings. I encourage everyone to own who they are and have the courage and commitment to sexual exploration and adventure. Sex is such a natural and normal part of life, it’s time to break the taboo and begin talking about it more!
What exactly is good sex?
Good sex is completely subjective and every individual is unique and different when it comes to what pleasures them. For me, good sex is feeling confident within myself and empowered as a sexual woman. It’s a feeling of inner power and being able to let go and allow my sexual goddess to shine through. I think ‘good sex’ can change for individuals over time and it’s important to teach people that sexual pleasure and orgasmic patterns eb and flow throughout life, and that’s completely normal and natural.
In schools we’re taught basic reproduction, how to put a condom a banana and to avoid sex with strangers for fear of diseases. Did Sex Ed. just completely miss the point of what good sex is?
YES!! Sex Ed completely misses the point. I do think that the condom demo and infectious disease information should be included, but there is so much essential stuff missing from the curriculum. Sex ed needs to encompass communication, consent, pleasure, same-sex attraction, same-sex sex acts, gender, relationships, the difference between porn sex and real sex… the list goes on.
Men seem more prone to the Coolidge Effect which makes them more attracted to novelty (in a nutshell). Is there something similar that would apply to woman’s sexuality?
Hmmmmm this is an interesting question! I think it’s a big generalisation that men are more prone to finding sex with new sexual partners a novelty. I think that women often do feel the same way, but because of our history of suppressing women’s sexuality women find it harder to admit, or talk about with friends.
Woman receive so many mixed messages. We need to be sexy but can’t be a slut, we can’t be a virgin or prudish but not too freak now.
How do we start to correct the sexual shame that is projected onto woman?
We need to begin by educating our young women at school. There is a complete lack of education around the topic of sex, sexuality and gender and it leads to young girls getting a whole lot of mixed messages about sex and relationships.
An example of this is in Catholic schools that still insist on teaching ‘abstinence-only’ education (meaning they are telling young women and men not to have sex ‘til they’re married). This is ludicrous! Schools, teachers and parents need to get with the times and get real with how we can best educate young people about sexual empowerment.
I believe we also need to stop judging other women and instead accept our uniqueness and be open to diversity and change. As women it’s so important that we aim to empower each other, as well as deal with any personal shame and guilt that surrounds sex. If we can deal with why we feel that way and learn to let go, then we are free to move forward and step into our power as sexual women.
A woman’s sex drive can flip between complete disinterest and high level arousal – what causes this and how can we achieve a happy medium?
Sexuality is fluid, it changes and transforms through life. Women often go through stages of high-level arousal…then suddenly the switch unknowingly turns off and sex isn’t even on the radar! This is completely NORMAL and if this is you, you are not alone. ‘Stuff’ often gets in the way in life and sex gets thrown on the back burner…pregnancy + motherhood, intense careers, death of loved ones, body image dissatisfaction, depression…all these things (plus so many more) are a part of life and can have a big influence on women’s sex drive.
I believe the best way to achieve a happy medium is to firstly commit to yourself that you want to feel empowered as a sexual woman. This doesn’t mean you will necessarily be having sex every day for the rest of your life, this means that the choices you make around sex always feel good. Having great sex isn’t all about the quantity…it’s about quality. Take time to work hard to feel good about all aspects of your life and a healthy sex life will follow.
As women I believe it’s really important to support each other and respect others choices when it comes to sex and relationships. It’s our job to empower each other as amazing women and let go of judgement and gossip. Remember there are no ‘rights’ and ‘wrongs’ when it comes to sex, intimacy and relationships.
‘In accepting our own fantasies we accept ourselves; and in accepting other women’s fantasies, we support them in their individuality.’ – Emily Dubberley
What are your 3 top tips for HOT SEX AND POWERFUL INTIMACY?
Self-Pleasure! Get to know your body and your vulva and master that art of masturbation.
Explore, explore, explore. Don’t be afraid to explore your sexuality and be open to fantasy and adventure.
Step into your power as a sexual woman. OWN who you are and what you want and don’t let anyone stop you in getting that!